Wonders of Germany: Pretzels

Here I am, sitting outside, eating a pretzel and drinking a glass of wine. Because that's what we do in Germany. At least, that's what I do sometimes. This pretzel is not hard and crunchy and found in a cellophane bag with a bunch of other mini-pretzels; nor is it served up with a plastic 3-ounce dish full of what is supposed to be cheese. This pretzel is the size of your hand, made of soft dough, and is dotted with chunks of salt. This pretzel is beautiful.

Gigantor pretzel -- only 2.50! -- at the Speyer Christmas Market

Pretzels can be found fresh at every supermarket. Sure, they sell the small, hard, crunchy kind as well, but who wants those, when you can have one that may be warm and was made only hours or minutes before? As I drink my Rotwein, my love of pretzels becomes more profound. I liken them to tacos in the Americas: they are a mainstay, a staple, a cure. They soak up bad stomach acids. They cure indigestion. They are inexpensive, available, and culturally significant. Nothing says Germany to me wie ein Brezel ("BRAY-tzull"). Once, when Heinie had Durchfall and could not keep any food in his system, I quietly brought a pretzel into the house. (Not that pretzels are loud, like puppies or kittens, but I knew he would refuse it at first, being an all-knowing German.) I kept it safely stowed on the counter, until his need for it became overwhelming. I handed over the medicinal pretzel -- the only bit of food Heinie had eaten all day, due to his severe stomach cramping. This was when, at last, he was willing to try anything to stop the trips to the bathroom, and the pain. He succumbed to listening to the advice of an American, and he ate the cure. My previous experience with a young co-worker had proven to me that pretzels might cure any digestive problem. She was nauseous one day and couldn't keep anything in. In a kind of resigned desperation to help (there was immer something wrong with her), and because I had an extra (they're only about 49 cents each), I offered her a pretzel. It turned out to be all she could stomach, and suddenly all she craved. Less than an hour later, she was no longer vomiting. It was the pretzel.

Perhaps it's the salt that a sick body needs. Perhaps it's the bread that soaks up the virus and carries it out. A pretzel, like a taco, satisfies, but is compact and efficiently fills the void in the stomach, sick or not.

It worked on my co-worker, and it worked on him. He was able to sleep uninterrupted until the next day. In Heidelberg, one of my favorite restaurants -- Vetter on the Steingasse, only steps from the Old Bridge, offers a special: two Weisswurst (white sausages), ein Brezel, und ein Bier -- you can choose from any of their own microbrews -- for only 6.90 euros. Fancy mustard comes free to complete the meal. Ach, das ist gut. Or lecker, the Germans say. "Tasty." One Warnung: soft pretzels aren't very good for more than just a few hours after they are baked. They get soggy wrapped in plastic, and they need to be eaten fresh. Like a taco, they will be soggy if left alone too long.

Oooh… another warning: pretzels can be like doughnuts, except they’re salty instead of sugary. Too many will make you big and FAT. But dang they’re good. Therefore, when you come to Germany, indulge in a Brezel. You'll feel German, spend only a few cents, and you'll be eating one of man's finest culinary creations (shaped like a ribbon to boot!). Oh, and pretzels are made a special way. You can't just bake them with regular dough. You have to add water and baking soda somewhere, and the salt. There's something about lye being involved, but I don't want to know the details, because they also make soap with lye. I won't bake pretzels, because once at school I suggested we make them. Several Germans quickly advised me about the specialized pretzel-making procedures, and I balked. Too much work! Besides, I can jog a couple of blocks and buy one or more fresh at the store. My policy on homemade pretzels is, why mess with them if you're only gonna mess them up? I'll never be able to bake one as good as any German baker, so I leave it to the experts. Eat a pretzel.